Dating Dissected: Should the Goal Be Immediate, All-Consuming Physical Attraction?
As told from the POV of someone who used to consider it priority #1
If you follow me on Instagram (which I’m assuming anyone who’s subscribed to this newsletter must), you know that we’ve been watching Jewish Matchmaking on Netflix the last week or so. Typically, I stay far away from any sort of reality-adjacent TV series unless their content is almost universally agreeable, positive, and harmless (see Queer Eye and Great British Bake Off). But every once in a while, a reality-based show will come along that gets the better of my curiousity, and I find myself tuning in to get triggered (that could be a tagline for so many reality shows: “Tune in to get triggered!”).
Such is the case with Jewish Matchmaking. Over Memorial Day Weekend, we had a lot of down time and, during some of that down time, Zac toggled to Jewish Matchmaking and started to play the first episode. Within the first 10 minutes, I made him pause at least 7 times to make commentary, which reminded me of why I stay away from these shows—they’re insufferable to me, making me insufferable to those watching them with me.
Nevertheless, we persisted and continued watching the series. As I’m writing this letter, it’s Thursday and I am 30,000 feet above the ground in a newer Southwest 737 MAX8 (it’s actually pretty nice in here, TBH) on my way to Chicago for a weekend of fun, family, and Dead and Co. (The Grateful Dead tribute band formed by the last remaining original band members and fronted by John Mayer). We are not done with Jewish Matchmaking, but we’ve watched at least 5 episodes or so by this point, and there is one very glaring issue that has stuck out to me enough that I felt compelled to address it in today’s free Friday letter.
At this point, I’ll take a few sentences to ask that you consider upgrading to a paid subscription. While you’ll always get this free Friday letter, you’ll get a lot more on the other side of the paywall like exclusive videos, links, personal stories, and essays. This newsletter is becoming so much bigger than I had ever imagined, and I want those willing to be in front row witnessing its growth.
The glaring issue is the emphasis on immediate sexual attraction.
And not just immediate, but EXPLOSIVE.
The two biggest culprits of this emphasis are Ori (who I hatefully refer to as “Oreo”) and Harmonie.
I’m going to try to tread lightly here because I’m not an expert. However, I’d like to think that after being single from ages 23 to 33 and dating a lot of people during that time earned me some semblance of street cred. If not, then what the fuck was it all for?
Let me first make clear that I understand the importance of physical attraction when it comes to dating. It’s never going to work if you aren’t physically and sexually attracted to the person you’re with, obviously. That’s a given. And no matter what anyone says, looks are one of the first things we notice about someone, no thanks to dating apps. But that these two people (a man and a woman) have continuously reiterated at every turn that they must feel that fire right off the bat (literally on the first date) is a terrible approach that, in my opinion, has more than likely contributed to their ongoing singlehood.
And I used to be like them.
Without giving too much away (because this part of my story will be a prevalent theme in my memoir that I will someday write), I’ve always been a sexually driven person. I, like Oreo and Harmonie, once adhered to the made up, self imposed rule that if I didn’t want to jump my date’s bones immediately upon meeting them, there was no future there. If a first date didn’t end in a heated makeout, I resolved that there was no passion to be had between the two of us or he wasn’t into me. If it did end in a heated makeout, and I didn’t receive next-day follow up texts about our chemistry and his desire for more of it, I deemed our future doomed.
Once I got into a relationship, I put what I now realize to be an unhealthy emphasis on sex. I would keep a mental tally of how often we were having it, who initiated it, and analyze every session under a proverbial microscope. As a surprise to no one reading this, you’d probably assume this kind of thinking also led me to have sex with my dates too soon not only to ensure whether or not I was into them, but also in an effort to get and hold their interest—and you’d be right.
Sex and sexual chemistry was the most important thing to me for a long time, until April 2020.
I met Zac during the height of COVID. Our first “date” was meeting up outside of a neighborhood coffee shop. We didn’t hug hello or shake hands; we made no physical contact at all. Instead, we agreed to sit on the curb and keep our distance while we got to know each other a little bit. The “date” ended, and we went our separate ways without a heated makeout, which was very new for me. Instead of walking away from this date on a sexual high from our tongues thrashing together, I walked away with a clear head, thinking “That was great. And so easy? I like this guy and would like to see him again.”
And that was enough. As it should be, and as it could be for Oreo and Harmonie if they would get their heads out of their asses.
Passion is great. And feeling butterflies in your trousers or what my friends and I used to refer to as your “vagina doing cartwheels” is one of the best feelings in the world. But it doesn’t have to be the first feeling, and this is where I believe a lot of people get hung up.
I’m not advocating for celibacy or “waiting” while you’re dating or any of that, so don’t get the wrong idea here. What I’m advocating for is for people like Oreo and Harmonie to shift their priorities in how they look for a mate. They’re so hung up on the passion and the immediate overwhelming sense of HOLY FUCK that they refuse to accept anything else. They’ve made it their number one non-negotiable that they must feel like they want to have sex with this person immediately and for the rest of their lives within the first five minutes of meeting them, and it’s so damagingly limiting.
COVID forced me—someone who very much used to identify with Oreo and Harmonie in this instance—to slow down. Instead of having a dinner date with drinks and a visit to a bar afterwards to ensure the liquor was flowing and things were getting touchy, Zac and I had to really talk; To shift the passion from our nether regions into our brains while we got to know each other and determine whether or not we piqued each other’s interest enough to even get there.
I didn’t want to jump Zac’s bones *right* away. Or maybe I did, but the fact that I felt I literally couldn’t because of the circumstances was enough to keep those temptations at bay for a little while. And with them at bay, I was able to more clearly focus on Zac as a person. What was he saying? What was he about? Did he have a good heart? Did our values align in important ways? How did he talk about life, his friends, his family, the future?
You’d be surprised how much ground you can cover in just a few dates when all you’re doing is talking (who knew?!). Granted, we only made it to date #3 before we were swapping spit, but the build-up had felt so different compared to everyone else I had ever dated. It was exciting because we weren’t drunk out in public on a Friday night, making out in a corner booth after knowing each other for a few hours. We had talked for two hours our first date, five hours our second, and three on our third. We moved inside on the third date to watch a movie, with every intention of sitting on opposite ends of the couch so we could keep our social distance safely.
Turns out, Last of the Mohicans really does it for us.
I didn’t know how much lay beyond the sexual until I met Zac. I really mean that. As someone who always put it first, I discovered with Zac that passion shows up in so many other ways, too. I evolved from that girl who thought physical attraction and sex was the end all be all of true love into a level-headed, mature woman who realized it’s a vital and great thing, but not the most important thing. Of course, for the first year we were rabbits, as it goes with any relationship. But even then, I wasn’t keeping tallies. I wasn’t analyzing. I didn’t view sex as make or break. And it was a fucking revelation (pun?!).
Yes, you should be physically attracted to your partner.
Yes, you should desire them and get your rocks off with and because of them.
But, simply put, it’s just not the most important thing. And I think Oreo, Harmonie, and others like them could really stand to learn that (especially Oreo who, immediately upon meeting a date, said “She’s so fucking beautiful. She’s so hot. She’s so pretty,” which were all true statements about her. But she was also a fucking badass lawyer and witty and smart as a whip).
Judge not by your desire to boink,
But by the heart your song sings.
—Socrates probably
Thank you as always for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I’ll talk you next week!
—EGM