re·sil·ient
adjective
(of a person or animal) able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.
For as hard on myself as I tend to be, there’s one character trait I possess that I find a lot of pride in—my resiliency.
I haven’t had a traditionally “hard” or “difficult” life by any stretch of the imagination. However, I’ve been through hard and difficult situations throughout my life regardless of where they fall on the proverbial hard to easy scale. And it goes without saying (but I’m gonna say it anyway) that trying situations are amplified when you have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and depressive tendencies.
I moved from Connecticut to Dallas at the age of 10 and experienced Bullying Lite® because of my haircut, my Jewish faith, and my overall weirdness.
I was single from ages 23-33 and got dicked around by shitty men more times than I can count all while witnessing my immediate friend group fall in love, get engaged, and get married.
I’ve been in the workforce since I was 16 and have had too many shitty jobs to count, encountering terrible managers, shady coworkers, and gaslighting directors who made me feel inadequate, small, and worthless.
I’ve been trolled online, with my body being described as a “sausage,” strangers saying rude shit about my mom, calling me a terrible writer, and describing my style as “androgynous thrift store,” which we all decided was a compliment and I’ve capitalized on it ever since.
I’ve experienced loss; not extraordinary loss, really. Typical loss like losing your grandparents kind of loss. But, most recently, I experienced personal loss in the form of a very early miscarriage (which I wrote about in full in this paid newsletter, so I won’t be getting into it here).
And while all these events are undoubtedly a part of my history and what make me ME, I’ve always resolved to never let them define me. Yes, I’ve reacted to it all. I’ve had my moments (some short, some long) of bitter and resentful feelings, blind fury, deep pain, extreme hurt, and overwhelming grief, but I have not (for the most part) latched onto any one experience as my identity because I refuse to be defined by any of it.
This is also why it’s been so hard for me all these years to find a niche. Because I am not one thing. I am not one experience. Sure, I could lean into the-forever-single-girl-who-finally-got-married. Or the Jewish-girl-who-moved-to-Texas-and-faced-some-adversity. Or the writer-who-had-a-miscarriage. But I don’t want to latch onto any of those identities because for as emotional and dramatic as I can be, I also don’t want to dwell.
I don’t want to dwell in a box in which I placed myself
Rather, I want to keep moving forward. To learn from my experiences and respect them, but not make them my personality. I want to challenge myself to keep evolving, keep searching, and keep finding new perspectives without leaning on these experiences as I would a crutch. Because that’s what resiliency is—it’s bouncing back time and time again, regardless of what you’re facing. It’s the active decision to not let shitty times affect the outcome of your entire life. It’s making the choice to say “Hey. That fucking sucked and I took the time to acknowledge the suck, but now I’m moving onward. I’m not forgetting or ignoring what happened, but I refuse to stall life any longer because of it.”
Any time I’ve laughed or smiled in the last week, there’s been a pang of guilt there. Should I still be sad? Should I be wallowing? Should I stay in that dark, hopeless mindset for longer? Is it okay that I’m feeling happier and more like myself? What does that say about me? Anything? Nothing? This goes for any hardship I’ve faced — the “moving on” of it all. Knowing when you’ve grieved enough and not beating yourself up for moving forward.
Of course, there have been too many times to count where I could’ve stayed in bed all day. All week. Where I didn’t want to get up and deal. I didn’t want to muster up the energy or courage it would take to get back out there. I wanted to remain where I was, mentally. Because the truth is that sitting in your hurt and your anger and your grief is a whole lot easier than moving past it. Staying down doesn’t take nearly as much work as picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and trying again like Aaliyah instructed us to do all those years ago. And I respect Aaliyah (may she rest in peace), so here’s to staying resilient despite the shit life throws at us like a caged monkey in a zoo.
READING 📖
I finished my 8th (!!!) book of the year last week with Remarkably Bright Creatures, and I give it a solid A. The writing is very unique as are the multiple perspectives, and it was very touching overall. It’s a straightforward drama with just a touch of mystery, but not murder mystery. More like “Who are they?!” mystery.
For a palette cleanser, I’m now reading Seth Rogen’s Memoir, Yearbook, and it is absolutely fucking hilarious so far. Seth already has such a distinctive voice as it is, but you can really hear it in every line he writes in this book. It’s so good, so entertaining, and I highly recommend it if you’re into comedians’ memoirs like I am!
WATCHING 📺
We watched Armageddon Time this week, and I will never get those two hours of life back. It goes nowhere, it’s very slow, and I gained absolutely nothing from watching this movie.
LISTENING 🎧
After a 3 week hiatus, I published a new podcast episode this week featuring a VERY fun new series called Voicemail Vent Sessions. I set up a hotline for the podcast and encouraged listeners to call in to simply vent about whatever is grinding their gears, and the results were highly entertaining. My biggest takeaway? Everyone’s an asshole. Definitely listen if you haven’t yet!
I have recently made room for Dexumoi’s podcast, Deux/U, and although I tend to stay away from celebrity gossip because it all feels so mindless to me, I’m very much enjoying allowing this particular show into my life. Once I got over the fact that people have literally made careers out of commenting/reporting on celeb hearsay, I was able to really enjoy it for what it is—a mindless, sometimes juicy listen. I recommend!
MAKING 🔪
Everything Carissa Stanton of Brocc Your Body makes is incredible, even though I literally tag her in every single recipe of hers I make and she never acknowledges me. It’s fine. I made her Kung Pao Chicken this week with added green beans and HOLY. Zac and I both were very pleased, and it will absolutely be added into our rotation! It tasted even better for leftovers.
I also made these Banana Protein Muffins, but I fucked with the recipe and created my own twists to make them even more dense and they turned out. My edits: I used Kodiak Oatmeal instead of just regular oatmeal for more protein, I used a cup of Chobani’s Blueberry yogurt instead of just plain yogurt, and I added fresh blueberries into the batter instead of chocolate chips. Next time, I’ll be adding some honey for sweetness because they needed them but other than that, my muffins pack in 27g of protein so I was pleased!
Lastly, my current non-alcoholic drink fixation is a London Fog. I cannot stop craving these and have started making them at home. They are incredible iced or hot and are becoming a nightcap staple in our household. Here’s the recipe:
1 Earl Grey tea bag (caffeinated or not)
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup milk of your choice
1/4 tsp vanilla extract
3 tsp honey (or less or more, depending)
Let the tea steep in the hot water for a couple of minutes, then add all other ingredients to the tea. Drink hot or serve over ice—either way, it’s GLORIOUS.
SHOPPING 🛍️
I’m not sure how I didn’t know about Sézane until last month, but now that I am privy to its existence, I want everything. I got this button down because how could I not? It fits true to size (I got the 8 and my chest is 37” around).
I’m also a big fan of Le Bon Shoppe shirts. They’re very simple and straightforward and not cropped, which are all reasons to love them. At $49 each, they’re not cheap but it’s because the cotton quality is extraordinary and they’re made in America. I get mediums!
I had to restock on these diamond cleaning sticks because I ran out!
When I was at my parents house last week, I noticed my mom using what looked like a piece of cardboard to clean the kitchen. Turns out, they are Swedish paper towels that are reusable and soften with water. You can even clean them in the dishwasher! As a big fan of regular paper towels, I was skeptical but I ordered this pack from Amazon and am loving them (had to get the leaves pattern for my plant-loving husband).
Thank you, as always, for subscribing, reading, engaging, sharing, etc. Have a great weekend, and we’ll meet here next week!
— EGM