I Was Never 100% About Having Kids, and Here's Why

I never felt "destined" to be a mom.

I once saw someone say “you better be 110% sure about having kids or just don’t do it.” It made me clench up because I absolutely was not 110% sure — I wasn’t even 100% sure or 90% sure. I hovered around 80-85% sure and even getting there took me years. In fact, I’d venture to say it took me until my first miscarriage, but we’ll get into that in a second.

I have always been a kid at heart. I was extremely emotionally immature for a very long time (my friends and family reading this admission just collectively gasped), which probably definitely contributed to my long streak of singlehood. I lacked the maturity to know who was a good guy, read red flags, communicate my needs in a calm, rational way, and (the big kicker) understand that just because you sleep with someone doesn’t mean you’ve locked them in or they owe you anything (this was a very hard-won lesson that I will tackle in my forthcoming memoir).

I’m also the baby of my family and, as a surprise to no one, was always treated as such. I’m not mad about it, trust me. I don’t resent my parents and sister for babying me — I fucking loved it, are you kidding? My sister has always acted like my second mom and only very recently realized I’m a grown woman now with a husband and a child on the way and probably don’t need her as much in a maternal sense as much as I need her in a friend sense (she probably just read and clutched her breast).

Anyway, all this to say, being a mom was never a goal of mine. It’s not something I dreamt about or even looked forward to. Meeting my husband wasn’t so I could hurry up and have babies — it was so I could meet my soulmate and build a life with him and if babies happened to be a part of that life, then great, I guess? But it wasn’t front and center for me whatsoever. I gave exactly zero thought to it. I enjoyed being self-absorbed. It was a delight.