Pain x Resistance = Suffering

An equation that could change your life if you let it.

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for over five years now. It wasn’t easy to find her and played out very much like my dating life in that I sat on a lot of frogs’ couches before finding the one I felt wasn’t just acting as a sounding board but rather giving me mental tools to combat my often rampant anxiety (a tall order for a frog, I know). In fact, my one and only (for now) tattoo was inspired by her and something she drew that made a whole lot of sense to me; so much sense, in fact, that I had it permanently etched into my skin. You can read more about that here.

Our relationship has ebbed and flowed just as any healthy, long-term relationship does. I’ve gone through moments where I see her quite often, and others moments when I see her every now and again. But every time I step into her office, we pick up where we left off, no matter what’s going on in my life. New experiences sometimes call for new tools, but she has shown me over the years, that with the right kind of mental toolbox, almost nothing is insurmountable.

One tool she gifted me a few years ago that she reminded me of this very week is an equation. I’m not one for math (besides finances. Gotta keep that shit tight), but this is a feelings equation, so don’t be intimidated. The equation goes

Pain x Resistance = Suffering

When you resist your pain, you make it worse. Therefore, you end up suffering because of that pain.

Example:

Pain (my generalized anxiety disorder) x Resistance (thinking “I don’t want to be like this”/”I hate that I’m this way”/”WHY do I have to be like this”/”Why can’t I just be normal”) = Suffering

The more you resist the pain you feel and try to find ways around it or the whys behind it, the more miserable you are. And pain can be anything. I found a website that gave the example of one’s flight getting delayed. So in that scenario, the equation would be:

Pain (flight delay) x Resistance (you throwing a huge fit externally or internally, acting like it’s the end of the world, wanting to speak to the manager or whoever will listen to you complain, making it miserable for those traveling with you) = MAJOR suffering and a really shitty experience for all those involved.

On the flip side, you can experience pain (a flight delay) but choose to accept it rather than resist it, which compounds into very little suffering, i.e. “Well, this sucks and isn’t ideal but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

This equation is especially true if you, like me, tend to have control issues. Although I’m an Aries who can be known for her adventurous, spontaneous spirit, I’m also an independent worker who wants to be in complete control of her own schedule at all times. I like to know when something is going to happen, how it’s going to happen, where it’s going to happen, and why. This stems from my lifelong fear of the unknown, especially in terms of big life decisions.

When I don’t feel in control of something, I often find myself figuring out workarounds. Even if the thing I’m not in control of is something I could never in a million years be in control of, I want to try and find a way to be in control of it. In other words, I resist.

And resist.

And resist.

And resist.

And resist.

And because I’m fighting back so hard and looking for these loopholes, I’m single-handedly enhancing the pain. I am willingly running myself into a brick wall (pain) over and over and over again (resistance) knowing that it will hurt just as bad every time, but I can’t stop (suffering).

To put it in layman’s terms, pain is fire, resistance is fuel, and suffering is the explosion of the two coming together. Now if you just have fire but add no fuel to it, it’ll burn and be warm, but it’ll die out on its own eventually.

So what’s the opposite of resistance? Well, acceptance of course. Sitting with your pain in the present, letting it wash over you and, instead of fighting it, acknowledging it for what it is. Making the conscious decision to accept that it sucks, there’s nothing you can do about it, and that’s okay. That it will figure itself out in time; not with you ruminating over it 24/7.

This is something I have to practice all the time. Fighting the urge to control and resist is not for the faint of heart; it takes a lot of work and breathing and distraction. But it can be done. So I challenge you the next time you’re overwhelmed with mental pain, pause and wonder whether throwing fuel on it or letting it wash over you would be the better reaction. There’s a time and place for both, to be sure; but I think you’ll be surprised at how little in this life deserves our resistance.

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—EGM