Why It's Better To Not Have a "Type"
You may think you know who you want, but you could be wrong.
Every time I do an AMA on my Instagram account, I inevitably get a series of questions from different women about dating, men, how awful it is, how to hold onto hope, etc. And I love it. I really do. As someone who dated or at least went on one date with over 60 men from ages 15 through 33, I like to think I have some very hot, very astute takes on all of it (otherwise, what was it all for?!).
This week, I had someone write in and tell me that their therapist was suggesting she lower her height requirement when it comes to dating. At first, I laughed REALLY loud at my desk. The way this reader phrased it was biting and hilarious. But once I stopped chuckling, I thought to myself “Honestly? Her therapist isn’t wrong.”
Here’s the thing about having specific requirements when it comes to meeting your match:
All they do is make things 100x more difficult for you in a situation that is already impossibly difficult.
Of course, you should be rock solid on your non-negotiables in the way of morals and values. But everything else is up for debate as far as I’m concerned.
Take for example the 64 dudes I fraternized with over the span of 18 years. The other day, one of my best friends compared my dating history to a circus, and she was right.
The voice note she followed up with was her humming the circus song and painting a picture of clowns getting out of a clown car in case you needed more hilarious visual. But it’s true—I have never, not once dated for a specific look. I mean, did I try? You bet your ass I did. But I realized very soon into my life that men who look like me don’t like me. The olive skin, dark curly haired man of my dreams never looked in my direction—they always ended up with blondes, which was wildly irritating.
My point is, I didn’t have a running list of requirements when it came to dating because the most important aspect for me was personality. I’m not saying that to be annoying—it’s true.
I dated short guys with tiny dicks and short guys with big dicks.
I dated guys with snaggle tooths who were surprisingly good kissers.
I dated super tall dudes with zero game.
I dated jocks and hipsters and Longhorns and Aggies (never again).
I dated blondes, redheads, brunettes. Bald guys.
I went to bed with skinny men and fat men.
I dated a bartender, a dude who worked for ICE (he told me this on date #2 and I never saw him again), a nomad, a gas and oil guy.
I tried it all so I’d never have to wonder and kept my requirements limited as to not muddy the waters of natural attraction regardless of how they looked or what their resume said.
The greatest lesson you’ll ever learn when it comes to dating and love is that you can’t plan it. You can sit around all day with your mental checklist, but you’re probably just gonna end up sitting around all day with your mental checklist, ya dig?
And I know how hard dating apps have made this venture. They pretty much insist you list your surface level requirements so others can surface level judge you and swipe you in one direction or the other. And that sucks and does literally no one any good. But!
Requirement-less love can happen on dating apps if you keep your mind open
That’s how I met Zac. For as offline as he is, here was a guy who was coming off a divorce with a woman he had been with for 13 years. He had no idea what online dating was, let alone app dating. He just knew he probably needed to sign up for it in an effort to “put himself out there.” So he did, but he shared next to nothing about himself. Literally, my husband’s profile on Bumble was ONE picture of himself (ONE), and it was a waist-up bathroom selfie. He might’ve listed his height and that he was from Georgia, maybe. I truly don’t remember. And his written profile was the most generic thing I’ve ever read. It was ChatGPT level writing before ChatGPT. Something along the lines of “I’m a normal dude who loves the outdoors, music, and dogs!” It was longer than that, but I can’t remember.
Anyway, he didn’t list religion, politics, or answer any of the fun prompts. I didn’t know who this guy was. He gave me nothing.
And yet…
Something in his eyes in that ONE picture drew me in. It’s a profile I would’ve never swiped on had I had a list of requirements and treated dating apps like resumes. And now here we are—three years in. Married. Trying to make a baby.
This is why you should crumble up that exhaustive list and go by feel. If they make your groin stir and make you want to lean in and ask more questions, that’s all that really matters. You’ll figure out the rest.
(Damn. I really need to write my book. It’s going to be about the 64 men. Someone give me a cash advance so I’m motivated, please.)
A VERY fun bit of news to share with Dallas locals! My favorite bar and club, Clifton Club, reached out to me and offered to host my first meet-up in three years next Saturday, April 22. If you plan on coming, the new timeframe is 4:30-7:30pm, and I would obviously LOVE for any and everyone to stop by. There will be a custom snack menu featuring my favorite bites from them, and some of my best friends and Z will be in and out as well. I can’t wait to see/meet you if you can make it!
LISTENING 🎧
Two new podcasts have made their way into my weekly feed.
The first is Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ because obviously. She is my OG queen and she has never done anything wrong, ever. Her and Steve Carrell are the two best humans and actors out there, IMO. In her first episode of Wiser Than Me, she interviews Jane Fonda and it’s really good. I wish they had talked a lot longer because Jane has some things to say. Also, JLD says “fuck” and “goddammit” a handful of times, so she had my heart immediately. I just love her so deeply.
The second is Leanne Ward Nutrition. I can’t remember how I found this podcast, but I’m really enjoying it. Leanne is Australian, so her accent is obviously a delight to listen to, but she’s also incredibly knowledgable. She’s not just someone’s who’s interested in nutrition and keeps up with trends—she’s the real deal and has a lot of good shit to say. So far, I’ve listened to the “Top 10 Reasons Why You’re Not Losing Weight,” which echoes a lot of what my trainer Meg said in our podcast episode, and “Healthy Habits Suck.”
MAKING 🔪
Last Sunday, I decided to make an extra lovely dinner for Zac’s friend who was in town and pulled out the big crockpot to cook up this Slow Cooker Sunday Sauce by The New York Times. It was fucking out-of-this-world good, guys. Just so flavorful, so cozy, so satiating. My grocery store didn’t have pork shoulder, so I used pork butt, and I opted for hot sausage over mild. Also, I did NOT include meatballs. That felt like too much meat. Regardless, it was AMAZING. Because you have to have a subscription to NYT for this recipe, I’m gonna paste it here because I’m such a good friend. DON’T TELL ANYONE.
2 (28-ounce) cans crushed tomatoes
3 basil sprigs
2 pounds boneless pork shoulder, cut into 3-inch chunks
Kosher salt and black pepper
¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus more as needed
1 pound hot or sweet Italian sausage, or a combination
1 yellow onion, coarsely chopped
6 garlic cloves, smashed and peeled
⅓ cup red wine
1 pound uncooked homemade or store-bought meatballs
1½ pounds tubular or long noodles, like rigatoni or spaghetti
Grated Parmesan or pecorino, for serving
Directions:
Step 1
In a 6- to 8-quart slow cooker, add the crushed tomatoes and basil sprigs. Season the pork shoulder all over with salt and pepper.
Step 2
In a large Dutch oven, heat 2 tablespoons oil over medium-high. Working in batches if necessary, cook the pork until browned on two sides, 8 to 10 minutes total, adding more oil if the pan looks dry. Transfer pieces to the slow cooker as they finish. Add the sausages to the pot and cook until browned, 4 to 6 minutes total. Transfer to the slow cooker.
Step 3
Reduce the heat to medium-low. Add the remaining 2 tablespoons oil, if needed, and the onion and garlic. Season with salt and pepper, and cook until softened, 2 to 4 minutes. Add the red wine, stirring to scrape up the browned bits on the bottom of the pot, and cook until the wine is nearly evaporated, 2 to 4 minutes. Scrape the onion-wine mixture into the slow cooker, and stir to combine. Add the meatballs on top. (It’s OK if they’re sticking out of the sauce.) Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours, until the pork shoulder falls apart when shredded with a fork.
Step 4
When you’re ready to eat, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the pasta to the boiling water and cook according to package instructions until al dente. While the pasta boils, slice the sausage and shred the pork shoulder on a cutting board, and leave it there. When the pasta is al dente, reserve ½ cup pasta water, then drain and return the pasta to the pot. Over medium heat, toss the pasta with enough sauce to coat (about 4 cups), adding pasta water as needed until the sauce clings to the pasta. (Some meatballs might end up in the pasta pot; that’s OK.) Return the sausage and pork shoulder to the remaining sauce in the slow cooker.
Step 5
Divide pasta between bowls, then top with a bit of each meat. Pass the Parmesan and extra meat and sauce at the table.
I also made a small batch carrot cake from scratch that was fucking stupidly good and very, very easy. Here’s that recipe.
SHOPPING 🛍️
As y’all know, I just did a very intense closet clean out and ended up getting rid of a LOT. Like, a lot a lot (there are still some items available on my Poshmark if you want to check then out). I got rid of so much, in fact, that my closet is feeling very empty and I’m realizing that I’m short on a lot of good basics. That said, I found myself in Reformation yesterday (there’s a store right down the street from us) and ended up leaving with four pieces that I’m legitimately giddy over. The giddy feeling rarely happens when I shop anymore, so I knew I needed to make the investment on these pieces that are all elevated basics I will not be getting rid of any time soon.
I’ve found lately that I feel my most confident in a really good button down shirt when it’s styled exactly right. Therefore, when I tried this one on yesterday and saw how well it fit, I gasped. I also just gasped again because I had no idea it came in so many colors, and I’m unwell. Anyway, it’s 96% organic cotton and 4% spandex, so it’s not heavy but it’s not light. It’s just right, and it’s gorgeous. It’s very oversized, so size down! (I’m a medium in shirts and got the small).
So I’m realizing that high rise shorts don’t look great on my build. I mean, some do, but the ones I’ve tried on lately have all been pretty terrible. So I gave these mid rise shorts a chance yesterday, and I’m so glad I did because they’re awesome. They’re a relaxed fit so they’re slouchy by nature, and they offer a lovely departure from all the jean shorts that are constantly riding up our asses nowadays. Because they’re meant to be relaxed, they run big so I’d size down one! (I’m typically a 29 and I took the 28). 100/10 recommend.
I didn’t know I needed a black mini skirt until this past weekend when I found myself thinking “I’d really like to have a black mini skirt in my arsenal.” Then, I found this at Reformation and fell so hard, so fast. The Margot Skirt is what skirt dreams are made of—it’s comfortable, it has a small side slit so it’s easier to walk and frolic in, and it’s a lightweight, sort of crepe fabric that is breathable as hell. It’s such a simple design, but so perfect in every way. I got it in black, but I want one in every color. It’s pretty true to size and I could’ve done the 8, but I got the 10 to ensure it’s extra comfortable and flexible.
Assunta Strappy Block Heel Mule
Now, I’m gonna be honest with y’all. These were placed in my dressing room by the store associates as a suggestion to try on with the rest of my try-ons, and I’m not usually one to fall for that shit but I fell. They are some of the most comfortable heeled sandals I’ve ever had on my feet and, while I’m not a heels girl, something deep within me knew I needed these. I also did not look at the price before getting them. I looked at everything else, but not these. I assumed they’d be around $100, so my eyes got pretty wide when I realized they were $200, but I was already gone. I got them in the Almond color for spring and summer and am obsessed. They run a bit small, so I suggest going up a 1/2 size (I’m usually a 7 and took a 7.5).
That’s all for this week! Thank you for being a newsletter subscriber, free or paid. Either way, I love you and cherish you and, if you’re local, I hope to see you next weekend!
— EGM
You have sold your own sister on some of these pieces. I love you. And I love your take on not making a list. Values and morales are number one. Then attraction. I did the same and I found Jill!
Is there a rough list of the 64 dudes who were lucky enough to date you? Like with code names and notes on them? I’m so curious. Can you post like a Buzzfeed “listicle”?!