Advice For First-Time Moms, Brought To You By You

I asked, y'all answered. You're gonna want to bookmark this one.

A week or so ago, I proudly announced that I will never, for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, EVER join a Facebook Mom Group.

The general response was “Yeah no. Stay far, far away.” I had a few naysayers challenge my stance and insist that I’ll come crawling when I’m desperate, but I chalk that up to they don’t know me like they think they do.

Not only do all of my closest friends have 1-2 children ranging in age from 8 months to 6 years (including my sister), but I’ve also been able to curate a generally likeminded audience who “gets” me and whom I know I can turn to in times of great stress. The majority of my audience knows how I operate and (I PRAY) is familiar enough with my tone of voice to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying and how I’m saying it.

All this to say (haha), earlier this week, I had all the moms in my Instagram audience weigh-in on advice for first time moms. “The days are long, but the years are short” is something I’ve been told 106 times, so I wanted my audience to reach down deeper, get more specific, and really think about what they would tell first-timers the world over if they had the chance.

There were tons of echoed responses, so I’ve done my best to group those together and deliver the best of the best advice. I thank everyone who participated in this crowdsourced letter and want you to know that all of your answers absolutely helped me and will help others like me. This letter is one I’ll be revisiting time and again once our baby is here and I’m in the trenches.

P.S. I’ve been documenting our home renovation for the past 8 weeks for paid subscribers, and it’s been a trip. So many snafus, tons of mind-changes, 100 add-ons later, and we are approaching the finish line (in a few weeks or so). Our house looks like a completely different house. It’s like we moved, and yet stayed in place. I’ll be sharing high-level before and afters in the months to come once it’s all said and done, but if you want to see the entire process and know all the ins and outs, consider upgrading to a paid subscription for just $50/year!

Advice For First-Time Moms

“Trust your instincts. If you think something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.”

This was repeated in more ways than one and is something I already live by daily in my personal life, so I know it will transfer to mom-life. I’ve heard enough stories about moms knowing something was up and either being ignored or made to feel crazy — I promise you that won’t be me. Nobody puts me or my baby in a corner.

“Accept the help. Ask for the help. Take the help. Let people show up for you.”

This was sent in so many times. I think it’s very natural for most first-time moms to immediately feel it’s 100% on them to do it all as to not be perceived as “weak” or not up for motherhood. I also know there’s a serious control freak factor at play here; I know how naturally protective new moms can feel when their baby is finally in their arms and not want anyone else to hold/take care of/feed the baby, etc. This was a good reminder to ACCEPT. THE. HELP.

“Everything is a phase. The good, the bad, the in-between. Babies change so much within a week, so you may have a new baby next week. Try the same methods next week to see if they work better.”

I loved how many women spoke to this sentiment of every phase being just that — a phase. I’ve heard just when you think you’ve gotten something figured out, it changes. Parenting is all about rolling with the punches and expecting to be surprised every day with what works and what doesn’t. A friend recently said to me that they never understood why people would be so specific about their baby’s age, i.e. “He’s 14 weeks” until they had their own and realized that sometimes there’s a huge difference/leap between 14 weeks and 15 weeks (these are just example numbers)!

“Breastfeeding is fucking hard. Don’t stress about BF. ‘It doesn’t hurt if you do it right’ is a fucking lie. If you hate it, stop doing it.”

These were just some of the many sentiments about breastfeeding, and let me just say — I KNOW. My plan right now is that if my milk comes in easily and the baby latches easily, great. We’ll see how far we get. But if it’s painful/a challenge for either him or me, I’m not going to kill myself over it. I’ve had friends do it for months, I’ve had friends do it for weeks, I’ve had friends do it for days. I am fully open to BF or formula; it will truly come down to the ease of it all (although I know BF is never “easy,” but you know what I’m saying). Also: I knew this, but was reminded to have premade formula on-hand as soon as you get home from the hospital just in case BF isn’t going well. Don’t rely on your boobs to hop-to right away. Fed is best. Always.

“Get outside every day, no matter the weather. Take a shower every day. Do something for you every day, no matter how small.”

The shower thing came up A LOT, so there’s definitely something to that. I am already the type of person who finds the greatest peace in warm water, so this won’t be a problem for me (I hope). A lot of women were very adamant that you do something for you even if it’s “getting CFA fries and sitting in your car to eat them alone for 15 minutes.” I know the notion of making time for you in the early stages sounds great but can be next to impossible, but I (and Zac) will try my hardest to make it happen.

“Take more videos!”

I had several women write in their regrets about not taking more videos. They have plenty of pictures documenting those first few months, but not videos. They said the baby changes so much every week, they wish they had more videos to look back on. I’m on it. 🫡

“Babies are portable! Get out of the house. It will always feel scary until you do it.”

I love this so much. I have seen just how easy it is as a first time mom to become a recluse during the first few months on accident. Staying home in a controlled environment with a fragile little human sounds a lot easier than attempting even just a coffee run with them in-tow. However, I’ve always admired new moms out at sushi the same week with a glass of wine in one hand and the baby in the other, and I hope I feel up for something like it. If I don’t, I don’t. But I promise to at least try to lean into the newborn phase when it’s the easiest to tote them around.

“As a postpartum occupational therapist: Let yourself recover FULLY. 3-5 days IN BED, 5 days ON THE BED, 5 days NEAR the bed. You have a dinner plate-sized wound inside of you. Let it fucking heal.”

The dinner plate-sized wound has haunted me ever since my best friend gave birth last March and quoted that to me. DINNER PLATE-SIZE. It’s from the placenta, and everyone has it, but it doesn’t make the visual any easier to digest. I loved what this PP OT had to say, and I am gonna try and heed her words.

“If you aren’t happy/don’t feel the love/don’t feel attached at the beginning… that’s okay and normal. It gets better.”

I’m very familiar with this line of thinking and prepared for it. Funny story: When I first brought Cece home, I had legit PPD (post puppy depression). She was 2.5 pounds, I had never owned a dog before, and as I watched her teeny tiny body standing over her food bowl in the kitchen, I started sobbing and called my best friend. “I can’t do this,” I wailed. “She’s too cute. Like she’s too cute and fragile. I’m going to fuck it up. I should’ve gotten an ugly mutt.” I was legitimately considering sending her back or giving her away on day one. My friend still reminds me of this conversation to this day. I will not be surprised if I have a moment (or two) like this with my human child.

“Run the dishwasher daily. That’s what it’s there for. No one has time to stand at a sink all day.”

I loved this sentiment a lot. While I don’t love the idea of washing/heating plastic, I do love the idea of not having to hand wash bottles 24/7. The great news is that my sister saved all of her bottles from the twins and sent me about 50??? So, we good. You can also always ask for this new Baby Brezza machine that cleans, sterilizes, AND dries bottles.

“Chores can wait. Mess can wait. It can all wait.”

This is a hard one to swallow for someone who likes everything in their right place, ESPECIALLY considering we’ll have just gone through a total home invasion/renovation and just be settling into our new and improved surroundings. Even on a good day, I beat myself up for not getting things done around the house that I need to, so this will definitely be a learning curve for me. Or maybe I’ll be so tired, I truly won’t give a shit.

“9 times out of 10, they’re crying because they’re hungry, tired, have a soiled diaper, or have gas. If nothing works, take them outside or give them a bath. Warm water is healing.”

Even though the beginning feels impossible, fresh babies are truly pretty simple. It’s typically 1 of the 4. This sentiment is one I’ll have to remind myself of daily, I’m sure.

“Keep a change of clothes in the car for them AND for you!”

This is such a good thought? Obviously, the “for them” is a given but I hadn’t ever thought about keeping an extra pair of leggings and a tee in the car for the inevitable spit-ups and spills. So smart.

“As soon as you feel ‘off,’ contact your doctor.”

You don’t have to tell me this twice (even though a lot of women did). I have suffered depression and intrusive thoughts before and it’s not pretty, so I know what it feels like and how to recognize it ASAP. The good news is I never stopped taking my Prozac and Buspirone throughout this entire pregnancy, and hopefully a dosage adjustment will help any PPD or PPA. My mom and Zac are at the ready if I start to really spiral, and my therapist is a PP expert, so I’m covered. But yes — all new moms should have a PPD/PPA plan in place.

“Go to bed early and have your husband bond with the baby (AKA watch TV with baby on his chest) and do the “last” feeding of the day.”

I am EXTREMELY LUCKY in that not only is Zac a night owl, but he is a terrible sleeper (sorry, Z). This means he won’t mind doing exactly this to help me out, and I’m very fortunate. I’m not saying it’ll be this way every night, but knowing I can rely on my partner to stay up a little later if I need to crash early is 🙏🏻

“Meal prep and freeze food beforehand, if you can.”

This sounds impossible to me right now… IDK why, but it does. I know how smart it will be, though. And I also know that I don’t want to rely on dining out or bringing food in ever again after doing it for the last two months, so I will find a way to get motivated to make and freeze some PP meals!

“Zipper onesies only. NO SNAPS.”

Can’t count how many times this was SCREAMED at me. These moms are NOT fucking around with snaps, y’all.

“Your partner is going to parent differently than you; neither of you is doing it wrong.”

Whew. This. This will be a hard one to accept, I’m sure. As much as Zac and I are on the same page, we’re different people and so I’m SURE shit will come up. But I believe in us and know we can handle whatever. Raising kids is no joke, and it’s about being a team - not competing.

The last thing I want to share is what I’ve heard from literally all of my closest friends with kids and something a lot of people sent in this week, too: You will not remember the first 3 months PP. When you’re in it, it will be terrible. You will feel like this is your life now, this is who you are. You will be overwhelmed and confused and panicked and feel helpless. But 6 months in, you won’t even recognize that person or remember that time. My best friend who has an 8 month old had a very hard first three months and dealt with serious PPA. I have texts from her like “This is so fucking hard.” “I can’t do this.” “I’m not okay.” And literally, she has no recollection of those times and feelings today. She is thriving and ready to start thinking about #2, something she couldn’t fathom a few months ago.

I’ve been down before. So down that up didn’t even seem like an option. So down that I couldn’t remember how it felt to not feel that way. It’s fucking scary being in that mental space, but if I know anything, it’s that feelings are temporary and this too shall always pass.

I believe in me and I believe in you, if you’re in it right now or going to be soon. We’ve got this!

❤️ If you liked or loved this letter, hit that little heart at the bottom to show some love. A little love goes a looooong way around here ❤️

Again, thanks to all that sent in advice. This letter is free, so please feel free to share the link with friends, family, new moms, and with your own audience.

Until next week,

EGM

P.S. A follower sent me this incredibly helpful “Wait-Worry-Panic” spreadsheet that I’ve already bookmarked in my phone. Maybe you’d like it, too?!