For many years, I would make it a point to write a birthday blog post with a numbered listicle of XX things I’ve learned at XX (age). It was one of my favorite blog posts to write every year, and I always seemed to easily create that year’s collection of thoughts. But this year was different. This year, I turned 36 and I realized fairly quickly how difficult it was going to be to come up with 36 funny yet meaningful life lessons I’ve accrued. Not to say there aren’t 36 things to share with you all—there’s no doubt in my mind there are, but honestly? I just wasn’t in the mood to dedicate that much time to creating that list.
Here’s how far I got before I lost steam.
I hate 69’ing. No matter who’s on top or what the positioning is, it just shouldn’t even be a thing. Let everyone have their turn with undivided attention, I say.
Happy, secure, confident people don’t DM/e-mail/post comments on a public forum about how much they hate you.
It’s good to move from job to job when you’re younger as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons (networking, money, promotions).
I hate sour cream and onion flavored chips. I know that’s shocking, but I really do. I hate the smell of them—when Zac eats them (it’s his favorite flavor), it makes me irrationally angry.
I’m not necessarily nice, but I’m kind.
There is a massive, life-altering difference between lust/obsession versus real, true love, and it took me until Zac to understand it.
In regards to relationships (platonic, professional, or romantic), you get what you put up with.
It’s always more rewarding to have the hard conversations.
Long-lasting friendships ebb and flow just like romantic love.
I’m really bad at figuring out mysteries, be it a TV show, movie, or book. I find the mystery genre more irritating than exciting, so I tend to stay away from it.
Fabric softener is pointless.
I am a blueberry snob. If it’s not crunchy as hell and stiff to the touch, I won’t eat it.
It pains me to admit this about myself, but I’m not a great driver. There. I said it (anyone who’s ever been in the car with me just gasped audibly).
With books, TV shows, and movies, I don’t love an open ending. The lack of closure is frustrating, and I’d rather have a very clear cut ending with all my questions answered.
I HATE washing my face in the sink. Hate. I don’t care what headband you suggest or if you tell me to use sweatbands on my wrists, none of it helps and I would rather run a full shower to wash my face at the end of the night instead.
Out of these 15 lessons I’ve learned about myself in my 36 years of life, the one that stood out to me the most was nice versus kind.
NICE vs. KIND
Last month, I read The Secret Society of Irregular Witches, and the protagonist made this point in the book. She explained that there is a big difference between someone being a nice person and someone being a kind person; that the two were in no way the same, and this really struck a chord with me. I had never thought of it that way, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
Nice is surface-level. Nice is simple. Nice is borderline boring. It’s a commonplace way to describe someone who doesn’t necessarily leave an impression, good or bad. They’re just… nice. It’s how my parents used to respond to every single boy I ever dated as a way to give me something while giving me nothing at all. There were no standout qualities or interesting character observations to be made, so “nice” is what they reached for. What they settled on. Nice doesn’t push buttons nor does it challenge. In fact, it typically doesn’t have much of a backbone at all. It doesn’t tell good stories or make interesting points. It doesn’t keep you captivated. You can depend on it to a point, but you’re never really sure if that niceness leads anywhere deeper. Nice tends to just go along to get along.
Kind is far more involved. You can be an outwardly mean person with a kind soul. You can be downright bitchy but still be kind. You can have mood swings, a major attitude. You can say exactly what you’re thinking, push back when taunted, and get loud about what you care about and still be kind. You may not always say the gentlest thing or the best thing. You may put your foot in your mouth often or inadvertently offend someone just by being you, but you have a good heart. Your exterior may appear tough or hard to please, but you’re liquid on the inside. That’s the kindness, moving within you like lava. You may make facial expressions that make those around you question everything, or be labeled as the friend who “tells it like it is” and “has no filter,” but you’re a good person. No, you’re not just nice—you’re complex and maybe even difficult sometimes, but at the end of the day, you are kind. And that makes all the difference in the world. You can be interesting, confident, outrageous, volatile, well spoken, nosey, monotone, super smart, fucking hilarious, sassy, quick-witted, gentle, observant, challenging, confrontational or downright weird—and also be kind.
But you can’t be nice and kind. It’s one or the other. And personally, I prefer to be seen as kind.
READING 📖
I started Lessons in Chemistry three weeks ago, got about 120 pages in, and set it down. Life just got busy, and I lost steam. However, I picked back up again last night and got to page 200, so I think it’s safe to say I’m back in and ready to see it through. I am loving the story that’s unfolding and can’t wait to see where it goes. For anyone who’s read it, I just die for the voice of the dog that Bonnie Garmus created. It’s so perfect.
WATCHING 📺
On a very random weeknight, Zac started season 1, episode 1 of Suits and we’ve been watching it every single night since. Neither of us ever watched it when it was on TV, and…
Wait. This just in. I just asked Zac how the hell we started watching it and he informed me that our dental hygienist recommended it. HA! So there you have it. We are loving the shit out of it, and it’s very wild to see Meghan as an actor. The writing is fantastic and, while hard to look at, Louis is becoming our favorite character with each passing episode. We’re finishing up season 1 this weekend!
My parents were raving about the new Tetris movie on Apple TV, so we threw it on this week. It’s quite literally the story about Tetris the game and how there was a huge international battle to gain the rights to it from Russia. It’s a wild story that’s truly stranger than fiction, and while it wasn’t our favorite movie, it was entertaining enough. Plus, Taron Eagerton stars in it and he’s fun to look at.
LISTENING 🎧
I discovered the Finally podcast last week and blew through every episode they have. It’s two comedians—Joe Castle Baker and Grace Kuhlenschmidt—being hilarious. Truly, that’s the premise. They choose a topic to lightly focus on during the second half of each episode, but their chatter and hot takes are fucking hilarious. I love absurdist humor, and these two nail that.
Also, Benny Drama and Mary Beth Barone’s podcast is finally back after a year-long hiatus. It was called Obsessed but is now called Ride, and it’s just as amazing if not more so. I 100% have a thing for Queer-hosted podcasts. They are the best and provide the most incredible people and dynamics. Period. Joe and Grace are both gay, and Benny is, too. MB is bi, and we’re all just in love with each other.
If you haven’t listened yet, I released a new podcast episode yesterday guest starring Whitney, and we talk all about Taylor Swift, the Eras tour, our concert experience and a whole lot more. It’s a good one, and her baby makes his podcast debut!
MAKING 🔪
I’m in my buying-pre-marinated-meat era. I love making meals from complete scratch, but I got the bright idea this week to buy Trader Joe’s pollo asado chicken and make my own cilantro-lime rice and refried black beans to go with it. As soon as Zac got home Monday, I handed him the pre-marinated chicken, he threw it on the grill for a few minutes, and we had an incredibly delicious and INCREDIBLY EASY dinner!
I also made this mind-blowing marinade for salmon this week, and Zac and I were like 😧😧😧 while we ate it. I let it marinate for like 8 hours, FWIW.
SHOPPING 🛍️
Earlier this week, I sent out a TIBAR (Things I Bought and Returned) newsletter to paying members, so this where I’ll suggest you consider upgrading to paid to get in on that kind of content.
As for what I’ve bought and kept recently, I am loading up on earrings, guys. I’ve always loved earrings, but it’s been very ramped up lately and I’ve been having so much playing around with all of my piercings, experimenting with wearing mismatching sets, etc. For my birthday, Kelley gave me these incredible dangly gold and silver hearts from Shopbop, and my mom gave me these amazing clustered drop earrings. Both are so incredible, and I’ve been having the best time trying them out in different holes (that’s what she said?).
I stumbled into Anthropologie on my birthday and treated myself to these Bibi Lou Aoi heels I’ve been eyeing forever, and also this perfect Henley tee in both white and black. It’s truly a perfect fit; therefore, I needed both colors. (Medium)
IMO, the Gucci slide loafers will always be in style and while I can’t bring myself to drop the money on them, I decided to finally get a pair of the Sam Edelman lookalikes. I actually bought them at Nordstrom and wore them out of the store—that’s how sure I was of this purchase. They’re a classic shoe.
In a wild turn of events that I wrote about in the TIBAR letter, I sent the Moccamaster back and got this Cuisinart automatic drip coffee machine instead and am so in love. Zac had his first cup one morning this week and said it was perfect. Yes, the beans make all the difference (and it’s Partner’s Coffee Manhattan beans, if anyone’s curious) but damn—this machine is it.
As I mentioned in last week’s paid newsletter, a portion of my earnings from April’s newsletters will be donated to Everytown.org.
Have a fabulous weekend and week. Until next time…
—EGM
I’ve really been pondering this concept of nice vs kind since reading this issue of the digress. I have a two year old boy, and I’m working hard to shape his inner voice to affirm the positive I see in him and let that help redirect his negative actions. Example: “you are a kind boy, and when you hit mommy that is not kind. We don’t hit mommy, we use hands to xyz…” It has always bugged me when people tell him to “be nice”, like what does that even mean? Nice feels surface level, like you’re gonna do the action but be rolling your eyes the whole time. Kind is intrinsic. It’s caring and compassionate, gentle and respectful, authentic in the way you see and treat the world. Thanks for helping me shape this conversation so I can be an even better advocate to raise kind humans!
Your section about nice vs. kind reminded me of an inside joke that I have with my fiancé. Here's the joke:
Two southern women were sitting on a porch. The one turned to the other and said "Do you see my new car in the driveway? My husband bought it for me for our anniversary this year." The other woman replies "Oh, well that's nice". The first woman then holds out her hands and shows off her sparkly rings and bracelets. "And my husband bought these for me for our anniversary last year." To which the second woman replies "Oh well that's nice." The first woman then asks, "What did your husband buy you for your anniversary?" Woman two replies "He bought me finishing school." "Oh?" asks woman one. "Yes" replies woman two "I used to say 'F*** YOU' when someone was bragging but now I just say 'Oh well that's nice'."
So now, if we're ever out socially and someone is being rude or bragging, we say "Oh well that's nice." and its sounds so polite but it really means 'F*** YOU'. Its for those moments when you really shouldn't say what's on your mind.