If you’re online at all, you probably know that within the last few weeks, two Hollywood icons have announced new pregnancies.
But these icons aren’t women.
They’re men.
And not just men, but old men.
Really fucking old men.
Robert De Niro, 79, who already has six children, just welcomed his SEVENTH with his girlfriend, Tiffany Chen, 45.
Al Pacino, 82 (EIGHTY-TWO), followed suit by announcing his girlfriend, Noor Alfallah, 29 (TWENTY-NINE), is pregnant with what will be his third child.
And I have some things to say.
First of all, let me cover my bases for those who may err on the side of easily-offended: I think we can all agree that when someone gets pregnant and wanted that pregnancy and gets to keep and have that pregnancy, it’s a beautiful thing. Also, kudos to Chen to conceiving at 45. That’s incredible.
HOWEVER.
The outrage I felt in my body upon hearing about both of these crusty old men welcoming new life into the world was unprecedented (haven’t heard that one in a while, huh? Hey, 2020!). As a 36-year-old woman on her own conception journey who has already suffered the misfortune of loss, I simply cannot deal that men as old as 82 can shoot their load and create new life like *that* while I grapple with the idea of being an “older mom” and having a “geriatric pregnancy” daily.
For the record, I’m not a man-hater. I don’t fully subscribe to the “fuck the patriarchy” ideal. Do most men suck? Yes. Are there too many inept, shady men in charge? Absolutely. Does the typical man read as slightly predatory on his best day? Definitely. But I don’t hate men.
I do, however, hate how easy they have it when it comes to creating life. They have one job to do, and not only is it not hard (pun?), but they’re capable of doing it
FOREVER.
The fact that old men who are nearing death’s doorstep daily can continue to procreate until God sees them on his Ring camera and is like “Oh! You’re here! Come on in!” is in a word… unfair. I wish I had a bigger word to express my feelings on the subject, but because I know that there really isn’t much anyone can do to make the situation better, I revert to toddler tantrum mode in my mind.
“IT’S NOT FAIR!!!”
And yeah, sure. Okay. Some men have issues with all that, fine. But I’m not trying to play both sides right now; right now, I’m focused on the fact that an overwhelming majority of a man’s semen stays “good” throughout his entire life until the very last drop whereas a woman’s ability to carry a safe, healthy pregnancy drops year after year until it’s completely taken away from her via the hell of menopause.
We dry up. We go “bad.” We simply can’t.
And yet these decaying geezers are out here, selfishly creating new life.
That’s my real gripe with all this—the pure selfishness. Look, I don’t know these couples’ stories, okay? But I’m not in the mood to give anyone the benefit of the doubt (clearly) so the way I see it is both incidences were “oopsies!” and now these much-younger-than-their-baby-daddys women are guaranteed to be the sole parent to this new child for the majority of the child’s life. How vain do you have to be to have a BABY at 80.5 years old (I averaged the two)? You are literally knowingly signing them up to suffer the loss of their father at a young age, unless Al or Robert know something we don’t about the extension of life but I doubt it.
That’s what makes me so mad. Grief is no joke, and losing a parent is possibly the most devastating thing a child can experience, no matter how old they are. Maybe the moms will remarry down the line, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that these babies will know their fathers only a little bit before they’re left to deal with the fallout of barely being a kid at their father’s deathbed.
Meanwhile, women are desperately trying every trick in the book to extend their fertility and do everything right to no avail.
It’s fucking stupid.
The end.
Now for the fun stuff!
WATCHING 📺
The question right now is what aren’t we watching? Since we last spoke, we have finished The Diplomat (Netflix) and this season of Queer Eye (the last makeover was lackluster for me, personally. Those outfits?!?!??!).
We tried a few episodes of Tim Robinson’s bizarre sketch comedy show, I Think You Should Leave (Netflix), and I think we'll keep it in our back pockets for when we need a cheap, highly confused and pretty uncomfortable laugh.
Two shows we’ve started and are all caught up on are Silo and Platonic (both on Apple TV). Silo is incredible, and that’s coming from someone who isn’t typically into post-apocalyptic plot lines. The gist is that there is an entire underground world called the Silo where 10,000 people live, but it’s been 140 years since the Silo began, so current members have no idea why or how they even got there. The rumor is that there was a rebellion “outside” which rendered the outdoors toxic, so they were driven underground to save the human race. But some Silo dwellers are starting to question whether going “out” is truly unsafe or if there’s more to the story about why they’re being kept underground… It’s SO good, and I highly recommend it!
Platonic is a buddy comedy with Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne. The first episode is meh, but keep going because the writing and story get better and better. It’s a fun, easy watch with a lot good laughs, and it truly is a platonic friendship which I don’t believe is a thing 99% of the time, but it is refreshing to see one depicted. There’s no love triangle between her husband or anything—they’re truly just friends in their 40s both going through shit and trying to figure it out together. It’s very cute!
MAKING 🔪
I have two AMAZING recipes for y’all, and I’m fucking pumped to share them.
The first one is for the Strawberry Lemon Bars I made over the weekend. Holy crap, guys. If you love both lemon and strawberry, you will die over these. I had a big pint of strawberries and no real plans for them besides snacking, so I decided to put them to work with this recipe. I didn’t have a square pan to bake them in, so I used a rectangular dish that gave me 15 bars, FYI. Anyway, they’re so stupidly delicious and a perfect summertime dessert.
The second recipe is one that I frankenstein’d together by looking at multiple different recipes, and I am beyond proud of this creation. I cook all the time, but the recipes are never mine, so the fact that I sort of pieced this together makes me really proud. Sort of makes me want to start referring to anything I cook as Emmateur Cooking™.
Anyway, it’s what I’m calling Roasted Veggie Summer Salad with Farro and Shrimp. It’s very simple to put together, so filling and, most importantly, VERY flavorful. I’ve already made it twice because Z and I love it that much. Enjoy!
SHOPPING 🛍️
First up are these workout shorts I scored from Target that are a Free People dupe. The Free People ones are cute and all, but they’re $40 and don’t come with built-in undershorts like the Target ones, which is IMPERATIVE if you don’t have a thigh gap (those with a thigh gap will never understand). In full disclosure, the “gobble” on these shorts is real—”gobble” meaning that if your upper thighs touch, they will gobble up the loose fabric betwixt them while you walk. However, this thick-thighed lady could care less because of a) the undershorts!!! and b) they’re cute as hell regardless. I got the green, black, and pink in Medium!
I also got this crochet top from Target last week that is definitely meant as a beach coverup but I wore it out to dinner with high-waisted black pants, and it was cute as hell. If you’re a daring dresser and willing to wear a black bra underneath this top, it’s a super cute piece for summer!
Socks are a weird thing. It’s like, I have so many, but I go through phases where none of them are the “right” sock, whatever that means. I’m there right now and realized I was in need of more cushioned, no-show socks so I ordered this pack from Amazon and they’re surprisingly awesome? I’ll definitely be getting more.
As excited as we are to have our backyard up and running for this summer, take that excitement and double it for every fly and mosquito in existence. They’re throwing a fucking party back there and it’s already an issue. We’ll figure it out but, for now, I ordered a few of these table fans that I’ve seen at restaurants to ward off bugs from attacking our drinks or food while we’re outside, and they’re great!
Lastly, I had a follower let me know that the only way her ears could handle AirPods were with these memory foam covers. Now, I have no issues with AirPods BUT I know a lot of people do, so I thought I’d share. I ordered them, and they’re pretty stellar, offering a more comfortable fit than the standard. The pack comes with three sizes so you can play around with what fits your ears best!
That’s all for this Friday. Creating these letters truly bring me so much joy; it’s hard to express. If any free letter ever strikes a chord, please share the link with friends to spread the word about The Weekly Digress!
Talk to you next week,
—EGM
I read these newsletters and just think....gosh I wish I could write like that. Couldn’t agree with you more here, E!
As someone who's partner is infertile, and therefore, me not able to be a mom naturally, these stories make me mad as well. It isn't fair. And quite honestly, 45 is too old to get pregnant (likely was IVF). If I had even a small chance to miraculously get pregnant now, at my age (over 40), I just wouldn't do it. Life is what it is now, and that time has come and gone, but I still have my days where I'm sad I'll never be a mom. I also agree that the grief those children will go through (or not if they're too young to even know) is pretty much guaranteed. That sucks. Zip it up, you damn old geezers!